Remind me, why do people have children? Post 15

Remind me, why do people have children? Because they want to, right? Then why does having a baby gives some people, and women to be more specific, a royal reason to crib about everything?

I know it’s not easy, but then every answer you give me, cannot say – “you will only know when you are a mom”.  I too can be stressed and I too can be tired. Not having a baby has nothing to do with it. And no my life is not a fairy tale as you might want to believe. I work hard and slog all day. No, it’s not like I am having fun all the time. I look cheerful because that’s my basic disposition and even after I have children I will pretty much look the same.

This rant is the result of these few women that I come across on a regular basis. These few who make me feel totally useless and non-worthy (well at least they try and on some occasions they succeed too). They are either my age or maybe a little older than me. They are educated woman who hold jobs. I am not sure how much of a career they have though.

These are woman who think they have done humanity a great favor by producing an offspring and this doing gives them the right to crib about everything and blame it all on “the child”. Not fair ladies. While I do understand that life isn’t very easy, I still don’t think its right to use the child as armor.

So don’t judge me. Yes I woke up late, yes I partied all night, yes I didn’t cook, yes I took a vacation. I did all this and much more. But don’t give me “you-have-a-baby-and-then-we’ll-talk” line. I have been tolerant so far but next time you say that I might just snap back!

Edited to add: It seems that I am getting misunderstood. I am not trying to pull anyone down here. I will just add an example to make myself clearer – My post is about women who tell me that I don’t need to go for a massage because I have no idea what it means to be tired. And many more such cases. I don’t want to write them all here, but you do get the drift.

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66 Responses to Remind me, why do people have children? Post 15

  1. Meghna says:

    I so agree with dis. Everything is blamed on d kid from having / not a career, to their summer vacations, to their own current physical state, for d mess their house is in, to their not taking a vacation, everything! It like blah blah blah blah

    • Iya Bhatia Malhotra says:

      My problem is more with the comparison. everything i do or not do is attributed to the fact that i have no children.

      • Meghna says:

        That too 🙂 its like, “once you have your own kids, then we’ll talk”…..sometimes, i get a vibe, birth is given to a particualr kind just out of societal pressure or one’s own thing of turning 30. Lot of women opt for pregnancy just for the “turning 30” reason…….

  2. “have a baby and I will ask u to read this post” 😉 ok jokes apart sweety I agree that we decided to have a child but trust me the way it changes your life sometimes its hard not to crib so when u say I am tired and stressed from job and another issues, we mom’s are all that and more because of the child

    and more often than not we are saying all this because we actually do get tired need a break…. we havent done humanity any favor by bringing a child into the world but dear bringing one has surely changed our life quite a bit and when we say that we are not putting u down just as u when u sometimes (or quite often in most cases) crib about work and boss to let it out of the system we crib abt it to let it out of our systems too… like u dont want to prove to anyone ur job is more important than theirs similarly we dont intend to prove that my life is better than urs? I love my life and u do urs?

    and when u ask us not to judge us can we please request u not to judge us too?

    • and tell me havent u ever told a younger cousin start working and we will talk? never? isnt it similar to that? I wonder why we moms have become an easy target of everyone’s flak?

    • Iya Bhatia Malhotra says:

      See, Monika, my problem is with the comparison bit. Everyone has the right to complain and crib, and i have no issues with that, but why compare?? thats what irritates me.
      i have not once said that life is easy and they are making a mountain out of nothing. But then why tell me that i have no business to complain since i dont have a child? shud i produce one so i get a licence to crib?

      Of course you get tired and i am not even questioning that but does that mean that i don’t get tired. Thats my concern. This post was not about complaining mums, its about comparing mums. Do i make sense?

      • just as u are saying its about the comparision its the same here too dear and plus the points u raised and the things u said in the post are not about comparision for starters, where are u cribbing about comparision when u say

        “These are woman who think they have done humanity a great favor by producing an offspring and this doing gives them the right to crib about everything and blame it all on “the child”. Not fair ladies. While I do understand that life isn’t very easy, I still don’t think its right to use the child as armor.”

        its the same as saying when u crib about ur job u are using it as armor, u say u are not saying we we dont have a right to crib yet in that statement u said we shouldnt crib and went to the extent of saying we think we did humanity a favor?

        • Iya Bhatia Malhotra says:

          you are getting me all wrong. Don’t read just one line stand alone. it will lose its essence.

          I also wrote this – “I know it’s not easy, but then every answer you give me, cannot say – “you will only know when you are a mom”. I too can be stressed and I too can be tired. Not having a baby has nothing to do with it. ”
          The problem is very simple – the category of women i am talking about here are the ones who have time and again told me that since i dont have a child i cannot complain about things. thats what i mean in the first paragraph.

      • and for the record. I still wake up, I still party, I still have vacations, I still sometimes dont cook…. I do all that and much more as u said so its not my frustation which is coming out before someone blames us mothers for that too 😛

        • Iya Bhatia Malhotra says:

          You are taking this discussion to a very personal level.
          For records – this post is not about you.

          • no no no did u read the last line I said us mothers… I know this post is not about me but than its abt mothers and I am one

            • Meira says:

              Monika, sweety, if there were more wonderful moms like you, this world would be a much better place. 🙂

              Iya, I tell people that I have no time to watch TV because there is so much more fun in other things, and some of them tell me to have a baby to realise what “having no time for fun” means! I tell them that being a mom will make no difference to me having fun. Like Monika said, I’l still party, I’l still plan a vacation, only with a kid in tow.

              • Posky says:

                People tend to see things mostly from their own point of view and that’s what causes the big debates on the competitive moms. Having a child totally changes your life in ways you’re not ready for, I don’t even think it’s easy for some moms to lose perspective when that happens. Luckily, it’s only some and not all.

              • Iya Bhatia Malhotra says:

                Monika, this post is about “some” mothers.
                And as meira says if there were more wonderful ones like you, th world wud be a better place. in fact seeing mums like you motivates me to take the plunge too!

  3. Tara says:

    lol, Iya, there might be many reasons other than simply wanting the baby..
    ~because they were approaching the dreaded 30
    ~because the mother – father – in laws- or just about anybody they cared for or even not, was waiting to swing their child’s cradle
    ~they got bored as a couple(??) this one shocked me..
    ~to distract them from other struggles in life, keep them occupied, for their share of cuteness etc
    ~to live a life they couldnt through their child.
    ~pure accident(imagine a child getting to know (s)he is an accidental child(!))
    & I can just go on..

    disclaimer:no offence meant to anyone of us.

    • ROFL tara that was a good angle to it 😀

      • Aarti says:

        Tara- wow..

        i have also heard ” have a child to try saving a marriage… “and many times “yet it dint work…. ” [shocked me to no end]

      • Tara says:

        🙂 I later realized i should have used “we” instead of “they” on all of these cases. thats is what i meant actually. there is no distinction like “they” and “us” used in the last line.

      • Iya Bhatia Malhotra says:

        u are funny Tara. I am approaching the dreaded 30, let me make that a reason! lol.. never never!!

    • Swaram says:

      Teee heeee heeee heeeee 😛 😛
      I so dnt want an accident to happen before July, bcoz we r planning a major trip 😛 Ya, I hv already been told I will make a bad Mom buhahahahahaahahaha 👿

    • Bharti says:

      Haha Tara – that was best approach to all this.
      accident – OMG….
      Bored….even bigger OMG

  4. Kiran Manral says:

    Okay, have a baby, then we’ll talk. LOL.

  5. Aarti says:

    I find that its not just about mom’s with babies

    Get a job and you will know
    Buy a house and you will know
    Travel by bus and you will know
    Fall ill and you will know…

    There is no end to it!!
    But yes, what you are saying is true.. For me though it comes from a different angle.. My mom keeps telling me ‘have a child, become a mom and you will know” everytime we have a spat about something she says.. which leads to her telling me in not so many words about how much she sacrificed for me… I reply asking “you dint have to” and phat, comes the “Become a mom and you will know”… am tired!!!

    I make it a point to never tell anyone “start/becomeand you will know”

    • Iya Bhatia Malhotra says:

      you thats another view to it, but thats sweet too. my mom says that when i dont call her for like 2-3 days and then feign irritation when she checks on me 🙂
      mums are the best!

  6. Deeps says:

    Know what Iya, my policy is this- so long as YOU are happy with the way you live your life, so long as you are in perfect sync with the decisions you’ve made in your life or may make in future, its best to ignore such people, for your own sanity and peace of mind, really! I have had people judging me for whatever decisions I may have taken, but it still hasnt made me regret them one bit. I simply refuse to acknowledge those judgments. I suggest you do the same :).

  7. Swaram says:

    Oh am really really tired today, and am planning to go to the Spa too, for some aromatherapy 😛 😛

    • Iya Bhatia Malhotra says:

      But you cant be really really tired!! you have no idea what being tired means.. first have a baby and then we’ll talk!

  8. SupMM says:

    Ohhhh I know what you mean and I get so irritated when people say ‘Aish karlo, phir pata nahi kab mauka milega’. Wtf? If my entire life comes to an end because I have a child, I would end up resenting the child. I understand that for a certain amount of time, I will have to compromise on many things and life will change completely, but I don’t think I can completely give up on everything.

    I get more irritated when people tell me “Have a child while your in-laws/ parents” can still take care. If I have a child, the child will be brought up by us – not my in-laws or parents. They will be the grandparents and will certainly help and support us, but they have a life of their own.

    • Meira says:

      Standing ovation, milady

    • Iya Bhatia Malhotra says:

      Thats my point Sups. Life will change and we are no fools to think otherwise. What takes my goat is the fact that some of them totally brag about being these mother india’s while totally looking down on souls like u and me!

  9. Bharti says:

    I think it’s bit over the board to say mums always complain and compare and blame it on kids. Being a parent is totally different experience than what we are used to before having a kid. And for that matter every next step in life and every change is. From school to college, from college to job, from single to married, from married to becoming parents. We all complain and compare at every stage. “Wait till you are there” is more commonly used than we think. That does not make one stage better or worse than the other. Being a mum myself – I hear people saying this to me more often than i say it –
    Oh it must be difficult for u do this and that .. because you are a mom.
    Oh you are a mom so how can you party
    Oh your house is messy – afterall…you are a have kid.
    Oh you need days off…ofcourse ..after all u r a mum and need this…..
    Oh you cannot dine outside because you have a kid
    Oh you have a kid so cannot go on long drives …………..
    so on and so forth!!!

    So it’s both ways. As much as mums use kid as a reason for anything so does the rest of the world.

    We all have the right to live our life the way we like….before having kids and after having kids. If I need that massage..i need it. Irrespective of whether I have a kid or not. If I need a day-out – i need it…whether I have kid or not. And it’s always always situational to each family about what they can do before and after kids.

    • Iya Bhatia Malhotra says:

      Bharti – i didnt say all mums do it, i didnt say they do it all the time. I am talking about a certain category of mothers who do complain and compare. Its based on personal experience.

      And yes, u r right in saying – “So it’s both ways. As much as mums use kid as a reason for anything so does the rest of the world.” And this is something i dont agree with.

  10. D says:

    I don’t care who’s misunderstanding you, but I completely understand what you’re saying. Being a mother is tough, and there can be no two ways about it. And mothers have all the right to crib too. But the ‘you’re not a mom’ line is so…. not fair.

    I understand if my friends have sleepless nights, and other related baby problems. I feel for them. And I love them because they never stop treating me as less than an equal in discussions because I’m not a mom.

  11. Mumbai Diva says:

    i know! i know! i know! and i get irritated too.

  12. Smitha says:

    Iya, I totally get you – despite being a mom. I know some mums who complain non stop about how their child makes their lives difficult. They seem to live to complain about their children, and one of the has even told me that I have it ‘easy’ because daughter is ‘undemanding’. She came to this conclusion just because I do not complain about the ‘sacrifices’ I made for her or how much additional work I do because of her. Because I don’t consider it so. One, I don’t believe in complaining, two, because I am naturally cheerful. It goes against my grain to complain or whine about the difficulties in my life. Yes, I do get tired, but why blame it one my child? And why compare with another person to see who has it worse? When these women go on, I actually feel like asking them, ‘Pray, why did you even think of having a child?’

    • Iya Bhatia Malhotra says:

      Thanks Smitha, ur comment means a lot. i was getting disillusioned. I am so happy you understood my point. Really..

  13. Milisha says:

    hey i’m facing the same prb whn people (read almost all my friends n colleagues) say tht i dn’t hv a right to complain just because i’m single n no nothing about “family pressure”…

    kuch to log kahenge….logoon ka kaam hai khena 😛

    hv grown tired, replying to one n all…so nw i just ignore

  14. booboosmamma says:

    I snapped at someone for complaing yesterday, and today your post. i have to write a post now. hop over.

  15. Pingback: Wait till you……….. « Boo Boo, Mamma and Daddy

  16. what place it the picture in your header !!!! Tell me first !!!!

  17. and yes… we do get the drift 😛 😛 😛

  18. Prathima says:

    I get your point, I face it everyday too. All my friends and people I meet at work are mommies and they crib about their problems. When I crib about mine(Like I got up late and missed the cab!!) They tend to compare it with their problems(Like baby waking them up at 2 , 4 in the morning).

    But then, why their comments should make you feel unworthy/useless? Don’t you think they look at you with envy in their eyes? I respect those ladies for managing almost everything I d0 + a kid. So, I guess they have the right to make me stop cribbing about issues which actually looks like a bright side;-)

    Take it casually and don’t let it get on to you. About Mom’s cribbing about their kids, its same as we cribbing about our husband /work. It doesn’t mean that they did not want their kid/unhappy about it. It is human tendency to compare our problem with others:)

  19. Sue says:

    Don’t let the comparisons get to you. Your life is your life and you cannot expect anybody to get your stresses any more than you will really get somebody else’s. Hugs.

    • Iya Bhatia Malhotra says:

      Sue, i usually dont. i live life on my own terms and have never really paid attention to what other have to say or comment. But sometimes i do get pissed and this is one of those times. .

  20. Anita Menon says:

    Every phase of life has it’s own set of challenges. When you move on in life, like the current one that you are in, you’d feel college life was a breeze and now life is a beeyatch. So on so forth. Everybody cribs. Its more of a social thing, a conversation starter these days. Even if life is perfect, people crib because it gives them reasons to justify all the fun they are actually having 🙂 Well I do that. Don’t want to make other people jealous, do I?

    • Iya Bhatia Malhotra says:

      Of course, and that’s something i am aware of. But then don’t give me this line “what do you know about stress, have a baby and we’ll talk” That is ridiculous. And that was the point of the post.

  21. Anita Menon says:

    It is a tad immature on their part I would say.

  22. Iya, I believe that each phase of life has its own beauty. While I might not choose to have the exact same lifestyle that I had before I had P, I don’t complain because a) I make my choices and if I stay up all night and work, it’s my decision and obviously P is not to blame for it; b) I love spending time and doing stuff for P — I don’t see it as sacrifice and enjoy what I do for him; c) I have always felt that whining about stuff does no good — if one is unhappy with something, one has to take steps to change it or bear it without grumbling. That being said, maybe these ladies are too overwhelmed and keep comparing their lives unfavorably to yours, which is totally unfair to you.

    • Iya Bhatia Malhotra says:

      Absolutely Mystic. I am in 100% agreement with you. And thanks for understanding the intent of what i had written.

  23. okey. So you evoked so many emotions with this post. Being mother is definitely more tiring but having said that it doesn’t mean that only moms can go for massage. 🙂

    OK n something can best be understood only when we go through it. So wait for your time and then if you read your this post, perhaps you might have a different view point to it.

  24. Roop Rai says:

    Iyaaaa, I’ll have a kid and let you know :p. So far, I keep getting told to sleep now. As if I can store up sleep reserves now to make up for later : !. I wish I could tho hehe. I realize that I m in for many sleepless months regardless of how much I sleep now. I wonder though if I’d be telling pregnant friends to sleep up when ima mum myself even tho I find it annoying when I’m told that now. I’m curious, yes!! Another month, we’ll find out :D.

  25. arundati says:

    this hit a home run…. i am so tired of “your life is a bed of roses cos you dont have kids” crap. yeah right… just because i dont crib nonstop doesnt mean i dont sleep on a bed of nails… i feel like saying “this is life, shape up, or ship out” but i dont usually… i wont waste my time on morons who are incapable of embracing whatever life throws at them…. well done iya and dont let the idiots get to you.

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