It’s a weird feeling. The way my life has turned out to be. Fifteen years ago if someone would have told me this is what I would be doing today, I would have gaped hard, not believing a single word. But then this is how I am today.
This morning when I looked at the mirror, I saw myself as I see myself every day. But then I looked hard and I saw someone else too. Is it possible to look at yourself so objectively? I saw frayed nerves and I saw a few lines of worry but I also saw someone with an objective and an agenda. When did I become like that? When did I change? I don’t recall that moment, so I think it didn’t happen in a moment. It happened over a good 15 years. Gradually, so gradually that I didn’t even notice. It grew on me, slowly and steady, like second skin, and now this is me. If I erase these 15 years in between to the girl I was back then to who I am now, there is hardly any resemblance.
My dreams were so different back then. My aspirations were so limited then. So when did those innocent dreams of a little girl, from a small town, gave way to the dreams of this girl? When did I become this competitive? When did the meek me gave way to the brave me? When did I stop crying over the silly remarks people made? When did I learn to give it back?
I have no memory of it. I think I am already forgetting things. Sometimes I do miss how silly and innocent I used to be. Crying over things people did. Sensitive to the point of being stupid.
Writing this was important. I want to come back to this in a few years and see how much I have changed from this girl too. I miss blogging. I miss the interaction. I miss how I am not writing about the so much that is happening in my life. Maybe I should. Even if no one reads it. It will do me good. Or maybe just for the sake of posterity.